1. Would you allow other gods before you or be a jealous god?
I’m not very competitive. I would allow other gods before me, and would encourage my worshippers
to go to them for the hard stuff, like wealth, smiting neighbouring tribes, and problems with the
IRS. I’d like to be a god with an important but very clearly defined portfolio. I think I’d like to be the god of cuddling.
2. What bizarre lifestyle requirements would you place on your priesthood?
I’m pretty mellow. But hey, if I’m the god of cuddling, I don’t think it’s such an onerous burden to expect My priesthood to be cuddly. I mean, if they’re not, they can always go serve the god of the harvest or the goddess of parallel parking or the Starbucks demon or something. So I think I’d want them to sleep all cuddled up together in 20-50-person puppy piles, wearing velvet or silk pyjamas. We’d have to come up with something to accommodate the person in the middle of the fifty-person puppy pile needing to get up and pee in the middle of the night, but I'm sure my Chosen Ones would be bright enough to figure out stuff like that.
3. What sacrifice would be most pleasing unto you?
“And ye shall take the strawberries from the vine, and gather them in a bushel, and arrange them with the cocoa of the jungle and the cheese of the cattle and the celery, cut unto the length of a finger, wherewith ye shall make a raw offering.”
4. How many sacraments would you have, and what would they be?
The sacrament of sex
The sacrament of pillow talk
The sacrament of telling the truth
The sacrament of taking joy in small things
The sacrament of remembering those absent
The sacrament of being on the water
The sacrament of swimming naked in the ocean
The sacrament of lying on your back on a warm summer’s evening looking at the stars
The sacrament of making people laugh
5. How would you smite those who offended thee in thy sight?
I would let them continue on in their ignorant little lives, constantly convinced that They Were Right and Everybody Else Was Wrong, and happy in their smug delusions of superiority.
6. With what other gods would you consort?
Cute snuggly ones that want to sleep with me (for either value of “sleep with”). Like, maybe, the god of approachable beauty, and the god of backrubs, and the god of soft mattresses. Maybe also some gods that were really different from me once in a while, like the god of being really driven and focussed, and the god of musical ability. I’d also hang out and chill under the po tree with Lord Buddha once in a while, and listen to Coyote’s stories about practical jokes and merriment.
7. With what omens would you announce your impending arrival on earth?
I’d place a small advertisement in the Sunday edition of The Times of London. Depending on what my plans happened to be at the time, I might also send the population of the Earth a tasteful engraved notecard.
8. What animal would symbolically represent you in your scriptures?
9. How would you redeem humanity for its sins?
I’d hold them and let them cry on My shoulder and pat them on the back and say “there, there. There, there. It’s all right.”