August 24th, 2006

Misc: brain side view on black

Medical worry (and general happiness)

[No, this is not filtered. This is the sort of thing I think it’s useful to be open about.]

So as I alluded to earlier, but haven’t talked about in a lot of detail, I’ve been concerned for a while about constant exhaustion, memory and attention problems, and various other concerns. Lately I can add breathing problems (both at night and, more recently, sometimes during the day). A lot of it looks very much like sleep apnea although there are some things that seem inconsistent with that. I talked to my (then-) doctor about that a couple years ago and at the time she was pretty sure I didn’t have sleep apnea, but since then the symptoms have gotten a lot worse. My daily exhaustion is greater and more consistent. It feels a lot like being jet-lagged: I’m outside and it’s a bright and sunny afternoon, but I feel like it’s 3:00am and I should be asleep and in bed and it should be dark. When I came home from work this afternoon (early, since I wasn’t really functional), I opened the door carefully so the cat wouldn’t get out. It’s been a long time since I lived in a house with a cat. Yesterday I got off the T a couple stops early on my way to work. It wasn’t that I thought I was at my stop yet, it was just that the train stopped at the station and that bit of my autopilot that controls what you do when the train stops kicked in before I bothered to think whether this was where I wanted to get off. I’m only 40 (well, 39 for another couple days). I’m not due for this yet.

So I’m really glad that I finally found a doctor who was seeing patients, got things straightened out with the insurance company so I can go see him, and made an appointment for September 12. I really hope this is easily treatable, whatever it is. (If not, cathijosephine, you may get your chance to feed me my strained peaches during visiting hours at the nursing home sooner than planned. :-)

All of this is on my mind because I just finished writing up my medical history and an overview of my current complaints to send to my new doctor. (I haven’t sent it yet because I want to run the family-medical-history stuff by my mother first.) I don’t angst about this all the time. :-)

All of that said, my life is pretty wonderful. I have lots and lots of good friends, a new lover, some other people who don’t seem to mind smooching me now and then, a good relationship with my fabulous ex, a good albeit long-distance relationship with my other fabulous ex, and a house I love in a town I love and whose mortgage I can even (albeit just barely) afford. And it was a sunny day today.

I have some stuff I’m frightened about, but in many ways I am blessed.

PS — Lest any of you worry that I’m going to keel over tomorrow, these issues have been going on (and slowly getting worse) for years. I’m sure looking forward to my appointment, but this isn’t an acute, sudden thing.
Food: Christmas dinner at my sister's


You know that feeling you had sometimes as a kid, if you were lucky and had a good childhood, that everything was OK and you were safe and warm at home and your parents loved you and would take care of you? I just spooned some of that feeling out of a crockpot into a bowl. (Only I burned my tongue on it a little bit.) Crockpot chicken and dumplings. It’s like love, only you should blow on it first.